Better Than TV

My beautiful kind wife is a rational, intelligent person nearly all of the time (for real). But, she is the only person I know who makes use of those flyers that magically appear on our neighborhood’s screen doors in the middle of the night. She actually reads them, and then, calls the numbers to invite people into our home to design us a new kitchen, or to test the water that runs from our taps (even when nobody knew that we needed a new kitchen or that we were especially concerned about the contents of our tap water). This is not a common occurrence, but it is a regular and familiar one. The visits are spread out just far enough that each time one happens I am surprised. I think she decides that since there is nothing good on TV, and since there were no other plans for the evening; why not invite someone over who can show us how with this special brand of siding, we’ll never have to paint our house again?
These guys can be pretty entertaining. Like the one in the kitchen with a machine that takes 40 minutes to determine that our water is “hard,” that the only solution to this problem is a large tank full of salt tablets that he can install in the basement for $9,999.99. Then, we won’t get the crusty build up on our faucets. And, we’ll use way less soap (now that’s worth ten grand). Or the guy with his “anionic surfactant” that he’ll put on his tongue to illustrate just how safe it is. It’s soap. We know you can do that with soap.
Don’t get too high and mighty; we never spend money on these people. We just kind of watch them, and when they are done, they disappear for a couple of months until beautiful kind wife gets bored and invites another one over.
I especially enjoyed the energy efficiency expert of a couple of years ago who was going to cut our energy bill in half. He was so sad when he found out that we didn’t have air conditioning. He did, though, have a proposal that we entertained for about half an hour in our back yard: solar panels on the garage roof. Generate your own power! (he said). Make extra money! (he said). Apparently 0.5 percent of the extra energy we generated would be bought back by the power company, which sounded pretty exciting to us until we pulled out the calculator and figured out that the system wouldn’t pay for itself before the sun burns out.
But now, interestingly (to me at least), there is an exciting new development on the exciting “solar panels on the roof of your suburban house” scene (did you know about this scene? It’s exciting.). This past August, the Kindergarten Cop signed a bill that has the goal of installing solar electricity generation systems on one million homes in California by 2018. You may be surprised to learn that it is known as the “million solar homes bill.” There are developer requirements (which you probably know about if you are Fred Bowden) and there is $2.9 billion available to incentivize (made-up word alert) homeowners to install these state-of-the-art fancy shiny panels on their roofs. The basic idea is that the state splits the cost with you 50/50. So after spending $6,000 or $8,000 of your own money you will be energy independent, and you can reallocate what you used to spend each month on electricity for gasoline.
But what does all of this mean for me? It means that an attractive and neat brochure from an enterprising state approved installer of solar panels will eventually end up lodged in my screen door. And when that happens, I can look forward to a comprehensive home energy needs assessment being performed for me in my very own dining room. It will entertain my wife. And I’ll be forced to admit that, yes, it is better than TV.

Lake Casitas

This summer I made the pilgrimage that we all make at some point in our lives. It was, I have to admit, surprisingly moving to actually be standing there at the very spot where Bradley Lewis and Paul Enquist achieved athletic immortality by pulling really really hard on water. Remember how they completed the men’s Double Sculls in 6:36.87, nearly two seconds faster than the Belgian team of Pierre-Marie Deloof and Dirk Crois? Is that moment as vivid in your memory as it is in mine? All of the Norwegian and Belgian and United Statesian Flags waving above the crowd… everyone tightly grasping their Uncle Sam Patriotic Eagle Dolls (with paddles sewn to the wings) to their chests… the deep and moving collective “huzzah!” as Brad and Paul came knifing across the finish line, just pulling their hearts out? Do you have any idea what I’m talking about?
Maybe it will be easier if I simply say; Lake Casitas, in Ventura County, is where the paddling and rowing events took place during the 1984 Olympics. I went there with my family. We camped.
This body of water is a great big (one might say Olympian) drinking water reservoir behind an earthen dam that has no alarm system to alert people living below it when it starts to leak. So if you are considering a move to the greater Ventura area, may I suggest that you consider plots of land that are uphill from the lake?
Aside from the floating port-a-potties, and its glorious Olympic history, my favorite feature of the lake is one of its rules. You are not allowed to touch it - no body contact whatsoever (even though I saw a bunch of ducks floating around with their butts right in the water). This rule forced us to become innovative in the launching of our canoe. The most successful method involved two trees and a bunch of linked bungee cords. Don’t tell, but we still got a little bit wet.
Lake Casitas has, like, 15 campgrounds, and since they are all owned by the private Casitas Municipal Water District, you are still able to have a campfire even if the National Forest Fire Danger Warning Sign down the road is in the process of burning into ashes. The campsites are all situated along a series of inlets on the northern shore of the lake. They are shady and the bathrooms are clean and there is a general store where you can buy life-saving popsicles and straw hats. Some of the campsites, though, are better than others. For example, where it says “model airstrip” on the map, don’t think; “How quaint, a model railroad club for aviation enthusiasts… I wonder if it is ever used?” Think; “Flying leaf blowers. Every morning starting at 8:00.” The most satisfying sound I heard on the entire trip was the crunch of a failed landing. So you might want to stick with the more easterly campsites; “Grebe” and “Egret” look like they’d be pretty good. And make sure you bring lots of quarters for the showers because that’s the only water you’re allowed to touch.