Allergies
Spring is the splendid season in which all of the flowers open and Bambi and Thumper make friends. Song birds land on your windowsill, days get longer, and suddenly middle school kids of the opposite gender notice that one another exist. Baseball starts. Hockey ends. It is time to go outside and be all pastoral. Time for picnics in the park, and plant potting, and probably a bunch of other stuff that starts with “p” that I can’t think of right now.
It is also the season in which my nose and eyes go into open revolt. You have probably seen me around town with tears streaming down my cheeks and eyes so bloodshot that it looks like I am leaving Las Vegas. And, if you haven’t seen me, then I am sure you have heard me. Every two minutes or so, I hold a soggy handkerchief to my raw and bleeding nostrils, and I let loose a trumpeting schnoz-blast that can be heard everywhere within a mile and half radius.
Yet, spring is also the season in which I thank my lucky stars that I have hit the jackpot of human existence. For, I live in a time and place with readily available access to early, preventative, orthodontic treatment (yay, no overbite!), hot water on demand (yay, morning shower!), and, best of all, Claritin. Nectar of the gods, giver of life, stopper of the cross country relay race that is my nose, thank you. I don’t know if life would be worth living if I had to face the full horror of my allergies without the aid of pharmaceuticals. I know it’s just “hay fever,” but have you ever thought about what those trees are actually trying to do to the insides of our noses? Just think about this: according to my official scientific sources, pollination is “the transfer of pollen from a male reproductive structure to a female reproductive structure.” All of those male trees out there, the ones planted and maintained by our friendly public works department, they are trying to reproduce! Inside of my head! No wonder my body flips out and gets all oozy and runny and sneezy and agitated. It’s working as hard as it can to repel the unwanted advances of overbearing, perverted, trees.
Spring is the splendid season in which all of the flowers open and Bambi and Thumper make friends. Song birds land on your windowsill, days get longer, and suddenly middle school kids of the opposite gender notice that one another exist. Baseball starts. Hockey ends. It is time to go outside and be all pastoral. Time for picnics in the park, and plant potting, and probably a bunch of other stuff that starts with “p” that I can’t think of right now.
It is also the season in which my nose and eyes go into open revolt. You have probably seen me around town with tears streaming down my cheeks and eyes so bloodshot that it looks like I am leaving Las Vegas. And, if you haven’t seen me, then I am sure you have heard me. Every two minutes or so, I hold a soggy handkerchief to my raw and bleeding nostrils, and I let loose a trumpeting schnoz-blast that can be heard everywhere within a mile and half radius.
Yet, spring is also the season in which I thank my lucky stars that I have hit the jackpot of human existence. For, I live in a time and place with readily available access to early, preventative, orthodontic treatment (yay, no overbite!), hot water on demand (yay, morning shower!), and, best of all, Claritin. Nectar of the gods, giver of life, stopper of the cross country relay race that is my nose, thank you. I don’t know if life would be worth living if I had to face the full horror of my allergies without the aid of pharmaceuticals. I know it’s just “hay fever,” but have you ever thought about what those trees are actually trying to do to the insides of our noses? Just think about this: according to my official scientific sources, pollination is “the transfer of pollen from a male reproductive structure to a female reproductive structure.” All of those male trees out there, the ones planted and maintained by our friendly public works department, they are trying to reproduce! Inside of my head! No wonder my body flips out and gets all oozy and runny and sneezy and agitated. It’s working as hard as it can to repel the unwanted advances of overbearing, perverted, trees.
posted by kyle at 9:07 PM
1 Comments:
they're really pine-ing for you, aren't they? haha.
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