My Spleen
Right now I can’t really put any weight on my left leg, and my spleen (I think it’s my spleen… maybe a kidney?) feels achy, like I was punched or elbowed or something. I probably was. I can’t remember.
Before you jump to conclusions, let me assure you that I have not been taking part in the official San Gabriel Valley Fight Club. I did, though, drive to Rancho Cucamonga today, and when I got there, I played a game of soccer. The funny thing about playing a game of soccer is that while you are doing it, all kinds of crazy traumatic things happen to your body that in another context would be cause for serious concern, and even, legal action. Like today, I kicked a guy in the leg so hard (it was an accident, I promise) that he had to lie down on the grass and weep (or at least pretend to weep until the referee came over and showed me a fancy yellow card and wrote me down in his little book). What if I did that outside of a movie theater or waiting in line to buy a Boba drink? I’d probably be arrested. But on the fields of grass outside of the Quake’s Stadium such attacks are perfectly (or at least relatively) acceptable. And you don’t even really remember how any of it happens. You have to wait until you try to climb out of your car before you realize, ah, somebody elbowed me in my spleen/ kidney, or ooh, someone’s knee impacted my thigh with great velocity.
But, what concerns me more than the nice purple bruise on my leg, is the fact that I am unable to take a deep breath without coughing. And, that’s not even thanks to the jabs and blows of my fellow amateur athletes; it’s because of the fine (and I do mean fine) bits of particulate matter that help comprise the air we breathe here up against the San Gabriel Mountains.
I’ve stopped worrying about bird flu. Now I am staying awake at night thinking about this new EPA study that came out. You probably heard about it. It says that Californians are breathing some of the most toxic air in the US, and that people living in Los Angeles County are exposed to a cancer risk that is about twice the national average. So even after I soak in my bath tonight, I am still going to have all of these unpronounceable chemicals (benzene, butadiene, ethylene bromide, tetrachloroethylene, tetrachloroethane, acetaldehyde, naphthalene) in my body just because I went outside and breathed a lot (a lot!).
According to the EPA, one in every 15,000 Californians is at risk of contracting cancer from breathing our air over the course of his or her lifetime. But wait, good reader! According to my calculations, of the twelve people who read this column, only 0.00073 will go to their final rest because of air pollution. So spread the word; local weekly newspapers prevent cancer.
Right now I can’t really put any weight on my left leg, and my spleen (I think it’s my spleen… maybe a kidney?) feels achy, like I was punched or elbowed or something. I probably was. I can’t remember.
Before you jump to conclusions, let me assure you that I have not been taking part in the official San Gabriel Valley Fight Club. I did, though, drive to Rancho Cucamonga today, and when I got there, I played a game of soccer. The funny thing about playing a game of soccer is that while you are doing it, all kinds of crazy traumatic things happen to your body that in another context would be cause for serious concern, and even, legal action. Like today, I kicked a guy in the leg so hard (it was an accident, I promise) that he had to lie down on the grass and weep (or at least pretend to weep until the referee came over and showed me a fancy yellow card and wrote me down in his little book). What if I did that outside of a movie theater or waiting in line to buy a Boba drink? I’d probably be arrested. But on the fields of grass outside of the Quake’s Stadium such attacks are perfectly (or at least relatively) acceptable. And you don’t even really remember how any of it happens. You have to wait until you try to climb out of your car before you realize, ah, somebody elbowed me in my spleen/ kidney, or ooh, someone’s knee impacted my thigh with great velocity.
But, what concerns me more than the nice purple bruise on my leg, is the fact that I am unable to take a deep breath without coughing. And, that’s not even thanks to the jabs and blows of my fellow amateur athletes; it’s because of the fine (and I do mean fine) bits of particulate matter that help comprise the air we breathe here up against the San Gabriel Mountains.
I’ve stopped worrying about bird flu. Now I am staying awake at night thinking about this new EPA study that came out. You probably heard about it. It says that Californians are breathing some of the most toxic air in the US, and that people living in Los Angeles County are exposed to a cancer risk that is about twice the national average. So even after I soak in my bath tonight, I am still going to have all of these unpronounceable chemicals (benzene, butadiene, ethylene bromide, tetrachloroethylene, tetrachloroethane, acetaldehyde, naphthalene) in my body just because I went outside and breathed a lot (a lot!).
According to the EPA, one in every 15,000 Californians is at risk of contracting cancer from breathing our air over the course of his or her lifetime. But wait, good reader! According to my calculations, of the twelve people who read this column, only 0.00073 will go to their final rest because of air pollution. So spread the word; local weekly newspapers prevent cancer.
posted by kyle at 3:23 PM
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